THE STORY WITHOUT A TITLE: EPISODE 5


Click here to read the story without a title: episode 4

I’m out the car with the speed of lighting. Mentally looking for my shaving stick. I run into my bathroom, check my toothbrush holder. No shaving stick. Then I remember I had thrown out the last one 2 weeks ago while cleaning. I think I have a scissor somewhere so I run back into my bedroom to find my scissor. I scatter my wardrobe looking for a scissor. I check under my bed, behind my wardrobe, under my pillow, in the water closet. This can’t be happening to me right now.
I can’t even find blade. I stub my foot on my dresser and yell out in pain (more like frustrated pain).
‘Are you okay in there?’ I hear him say.
‘I’m fine. I hit my toe on the dresser’ I reply
‘What are you up to?’ He asks
‘Freshening up. Gimme a minute. I’ll be out soon’.

This isn’t going well. Where is that damn blade or a sharp cutting instrument? With how I’m feeling, I can use a broken bottle to shave right now. I know I sound desperate but he’s a hunk and it’s been a while (putting it mildly)
After 20mins of searching with no luck, I know it is confession time. So like a dog with its tail between its legs, I walk out of my room. Thinking of how I’m going to tell him I lied about ‘deforestation’. I walk into my sitting room and I hear the sound before I see him. He’s snoring. WHAT!!! He’s sleeping, SLEEPING! OMG! Here I am slaving away, looking for a sharp instrument to shave my pubic hair so we can have sex and he fell asleep. He’s luck I didn’t find any or I would cut him.
‘O ba ti rough eh’ (go with the flow) my mind tells me.
‘But he said he doesn’t like pubic hair’
‘So? People say one thing but in the heat of passion they do another thing. Happens all the time. A guy says he doesn’t like a girl but ends up getting her pregnant and marrying her. Heat of passion’
‘That’s crazy. You are crazy’
‘I’m a part of you so if I’m crazy, O ti ya were (you’ve gone mad)’.
‘Whatever!’

So I walk back into the room to get a blanket like the ‘oyinbo’ (white) people do in the movies. It’s easier than waking him up to explain that you fell asleep while waiting for me to shave my bush which I didn’t end up shaving cause I can’t find any shaving stick or scissor or blade and I don’t use shaving cream cause I react badly to it so we can’t have sex and I can’t get head which I desperately want (no, need) I desperately need.
‘And you say I’m crazy’ say my mind. You’re the crazy one. All this elongated speech because of head. Na wa!

I cover him up and go to sleep.

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ANNOYING THINGS GUYS DO WHEN THEIR GIRLFRIENDS COME TO VISIT


Hi guys,

Today’s post is about the things boyfriends do when we are at their house that irks us (girlfriends) but we cover up in love and look the other way because we don’t want them to think that we are nags or not ‘wifey material’. This time last year, I wrote a blog post about things ladies shouldn’t do at their boyfriend’s place (click here to read).

So you finally get to your boyfriend’s place after months, weeks or days of planning and daydreaming. You are probably thinking this visit would be a getaway from your very busy and stressful life. A time to unwind and relax with the love of your life.

You get to his house and….

  1. His house or room or flat is messy especially the bathroom. The toilet has skid marks, there’s laundry everywhere and his bedroom is a mess, the kitchen is a war zone so instead of catching your breath when you arrive, you have to start cleaning the house.
  2. There is no food in his house and he expects you to go shopping for groceries. If your girl is coming to visit, buy food into your house before she arrives.
  3. He has groceries (thank God) but he doesn’t have anything cooked for you to eat when you arrive. So he expects you to cook for him and yourself. Won’t it be nice if he orders something for you guys to eat or takes you out for a meal?
  4. His bed sheet is smelly af. He forgot or didn’t bother to put fresh, clean bed sheet on the bed. This is a no-no, no girl deserves to sleep on smelly sheets.
  5. He’s still using ‘teenage’ bed sheets. You know the Batman, Superman, Manchester United, Chelsea bed sheets. I entered a guy’s room (not my boyfriend) and he had ManU bed sheets. I shook my head. Get ‘grown up’ sheets, man!
  6. There is no privacy. His room mates or friends are still in the room. Maybe you planned to belly dance or strip tease for him  or just sit and stare into his eyes while you play soft music but Deji, Dele and Denrele won’t piss off. They won’t let a girlfriend be great.
  7. He wears the same underwear all through your stay. Maybe that’s why we give men underwear as gifts so that they would stop wearing the same boxers twice in a roll.
  8. It’s bedtime. Your body is singing with anticipation. You have been thinking of ‘from the window to the wall till sweat drips from his balls’ and while you guys are making out he says ‘Baby, I don’t have condoms…just the tip…my ‘pull-out’ game is strong…I’ll make it quick…aren’t you suppose to be on birth control pills or something’ WHAT!!!!!! Are you f**king kidding me right now? *takes a deep breath* Remember ladies no glove, no love. Keep your cookie in the cookie jar.

What annoying things do your boyfriend do when you visit him? Can you relate to my list? Share your thoughts in the comment section.

Be sure to like, share and follow my blog for more articles and stories. I’m currently working on continuing ‘Story without a title’ (click here to read episode 4). It should be up soon.

xoxo…Fehintola

Makeup (Not) on fleek


I seriously don’t know what possessed me. I think when you watch something too much and too long, you suddenly think you are a pro like the people you watch. Even though you are nothing but a learner with a big ‘L’ on your forehead.

This is how my makeup (NOT) on fleek story happened. My makeup has never been ‘WOW! Tola is that you?’ or ‘before meets after’ magic. So I have been watching a lot of YouTube beauty and fashion channels to up my makeup game. I think these beauty vloggers apply makeup so effortlessly that one would think it’s a walk in the park. I’m here to say that IT. IS. NOT!

I’m not new to makeup. When I was in Uni, I used makeup; J&J baby powder or Bouquet Talc powder, lip gloss, eyeshadow and dark brow pencil. I still use pretty much the same things except for white powder and eye shadow. Now I use pressed brown powder and no eyeshadow. Okay maybe I’m a bit new to some products, makeup application techniques and tools. I get confused when I hear ‘beauty blender, contour kit, highlighting, strobing, baking, kabuki brush, bronzer, etc’. There are so many makeup brushes in the world right now, knowing which one to use for what should be a college course.

So I hit one of my friend for makeup advice.


The next day, I watched more makeup tutorials on YouTube.

I watched these videos to the extent that I was highly motivated to practise what I had learnt with some new products I had got from Casabella. (Can I just add here that cosmetics and beauty products are becoming expensive? Some are so expensive you would think they are from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry).
I thought it would be easy to recreate some of the looks I had watched. I must confess that it is not as easy as Dinma of ThatIgboChick, Bella of Brownieandtheblog, Patricia Bright (and all the other beauty vloggers I watch) make it out to be.

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I spent like 30 minutes in the bathroom trying to recreate. Smile even when you have applied your makeup horribly. Lol

However, I believe I should keep practising to improve and achieve a perfect blend and look. Since Rome wasn’t built in a day, looking like magic won’t be a day’s job either. So that I never miss a beauty/cosmetic memo again, I have followed a lot of cosmetic companies and beauty bloggers on Instagram to keep me up-to-date and informed.

New to makeup or striving to achieve that magic look, you can check out this beauty bloggers
Bella of Brownie and the blog: https://www.youtube.com/user/bellaimaan and http://www.iambrownie.com
Dinma of That Igbo Chick: https://www.youtube.com/user/Thatigbochick and http://www.thatigbochick.com
Patricia Bright: https://www.youtube.com/user/BritPopPrincess and http://www.patriciabright.co.uk
Or you can type what you need in the YouTube search engine. There are a lot of makeup tutorials and resources to learn from.
What struggles do you/did you have with applying makeup? Do you ever get intimidated or overwhelmed with all the techniques, tools and products? Do you think the prices for some of these products are ridiculously expensive for makeup? Let me know what you think in the comment section.

Be sure to like, share my article and come back next week for a new article or story.
Xoxo…Fehintola.

Shout out to my crush Adande Thorne aka Swoozie who’s my Whatsapp background. Check out his YouTube channel http://www.YouTube.com/swoozie06

photo credit:

http://www.thatigbochick.com

doseofcolour instagram page

http://www.iambrownie.com

my mobile phone aka my gsm (lol)

Don’t be proud, the fishes are watching


This is not the real title of the story but I remember my mom telling me this story when I was little. I don’t remember a lot of things about my mom because she died when I was 6 years old and I usually try to forget painful incidences (that’s how I cope with life) but I remember this story.

So to the story

‘Once upon a time’ that’s how her stories would start. ‘Time, time’ was my usually response. I guess a lot of us replied ‘Time time’ I would add here that some kids in my neighbourhood would say ‘won so pe won le te e, fun fifty kobo’. I’m sure you’re wondering what it means, it was us kids mimicking ‘once upon a time’ actually ‘won so pe won le te e fu fifty kobo’ is Yoruba for ‘they say they’ll sell you for fifty kobo’

Back to my mom’s story

‘There was this beautiful girl in the village’. The village is usually the setting of these stories. I doubt I have heard a story that goes ‘There was this beautiful girl in the city or Lagos or abroad’ It’s always the village.

I won’t interrupt this story again

‘There was this fine girl in the village. She was the King’s daughter’ (can I just say that this is cliche. It’s always about the king, that’s if the storyteller is talking about actual humans and not a tortoise, hare or a lizard)

That’s the last time I’ll digress.

When it became time for her to get married. The king invited all the eligible bachelors in the village to propose to her. But she was very proud and turned every one of them down. She was the king’s daughter and all these men were beneath her station. She would ridicule them, laugh at their attempts to woo her and even insult them for ‘wasting’ her time.

Word of her behaviour got to the far away land of the fish people (awon yemoja) and they wanted to teach her a lesson. So they sent this very handsome fish-man to the village to marry the king’s daughter (let me just say here that this man was a tall glass of water for the very thirsty princess). She fell in love with him instantly. But the king and his people weren’t having any of that. They didn’t know where he came from nor who his people were. So the Queen told the princess to pinch the very handsome guy very hard and if he bled, it was okay to marry him but if he didn’t, then it wasn’t okay to marry him.

grid-cell-19228-1391102093-10

Even I would marry him if he came half man, half fish and he looked this hot. #justsaying

So the princess did as her mother told her and the very handsome man did not bleed but the princess was blinded by love and pride so she lied to her mom that he bled. Queen Mom was happy and the King and Queen blessed their marriage.

After the wedding, the newlywed began their journey to Very Handsome’s village. My mom told me they crossed the first bridge, second bridge, third (mainland) bridge (lool), fourth bridge, when they got to the fifth bridge Princess Newlywed asked her very handsome boo ‘Have we gotten there yet?’ Handsome Boo replied ‘No not yet’ so they cross the six bridge and then got to the river at the seventh bridge. They were far from Princess’s village and not a living soul in sight. Then the very handsome boo turned to his bride and told her ‘welcome home’. Then he began his speech ‘You are too proud so we the fish people decided to teach you a lesson. You turned down all the men in your village because you are too good for them and married me because I’m handsome and rich. Well sorry to disappoint you darling, I’m a fish’

shocked-cat

This has got to be the look on her face when he turns into a fish before her very eyes. 

He then turns into a fish and jumps in the water. Leaving his bride all alone to die.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

-Make sure you pinch your boyfriend tonight. If he bleeds, he’s human. If not, he’s a fish.

-Marry the men in your village. You know them. You know their families. You have been rolling tyre with them since you guys were 4. They won’t turn into a fish at 3rd mainland bridge after your wedding.

-Don’t be proud, the fish people will teach you a lesson

-Don’t lie to your mom. Nothing good comes out of it

-Don’t be all about the beauty/look of a person. They may just be a fish

Hope you enjoyed my story. What African stories can you remember from your childhood? Let me know in the comment section.

Be sure to like, share and follow my blog for many more stories. xoxo Fehintola

Photo credit:

Half man half fish: https://img.buzzfeed.com

Shocked cat: http://wereblog.com/most-funniest-reaction-by-animals

 

15 THINGS NOT TO DO AT YOUR BOYFRIEND’S PLACE


You have missed him so much, it literally hurts. You can’t wait to visit him (at his place) for a romantic weekend or fun filled holiday. You have packed you bags, calculated transport fare or bought an air fare ticket. It’s just a few days separating you from been in the arms of the love of your life. A magical weekend or holiday. I’m so happy for you.

Well, there are some things you do when you go visit your boyfriend that you think he dosen’t notice. I’m here to tell you men do notice ladies and they are mentally judging you for it.

Below is a list of things you should NOT do at your bae’s house. ENJOY!

  1. If you are like me without front hair or hair at your nape, don’t loose your braids or weaves or remove your wig. Lack of real hair has tested some relationships.
  1. Don’t fart in your sleep. If you feel bloated or you have gas, don’t go to his house. Chances are you will fart in your sleep.
  1. Don’t wear your ‘I’m-almost-dead’ ‘brown-down-under’ underwear (especially panties). You know the ones you’ve had since you were 18 (you’re now 28) that you love so much and have refused to throw away even though it has holes or has turned brown. 3b. Don’t go with just one bra (even if it’s your favourite bra or the only one that makes your boobs look bigger or pack them ‘melons’ well). You think your man doesn’t notice, but he does.
  1. Don’t go with your ‘BUSH (pubic hair)’. Try to deforest the area, you don’t want a lion and zebra leaping out, holding hands singing ‘Hakuna matata’. Except he digs it. I think not.
  1. Don’t just cook him noodles all the time you’re there. He’s lying if he says ‘honey, I don’t want to stress you’ if you want to cook because when you get married, you will be pounding yam with his grandma’s mortar and pestle while breastfeeding your baby and ironing his shirts. Make sure you cook something special at least once or twice while you’re there, maybe his favourite meal.
  1. Please leave all the Kardashians and all the Real Housewives at your place (except he loves the drama, I think not)
  1. Don’t tie your mum’s ankara or lace wrapper over your breast at his house. That’s some old married people’s shit.
  1. Leave your smelly hair net, hair cap or scarve ‎at your house. You don’t want him to suddenly become asthmatic laying beside you in bed.
  1. Don’t forget your stuff at his house (your earrings, bracelet, shoes, purse, panties, picture, or an entire suitcase filled with half your wardrobe). You are not a dog marking its territory with urine. Let him give you closet space first.
  1. Don’t leave the bed untidy. Make the bed when you wake up.
  2. Personal opinion: if you just started dating, he’s on probation and you don’t want to give him your ‘cookie’ yet, DON’T SLEEP OVER. No need tempting him, yourself and the devil.

Thanks to my friend, Dudu, for adding these four ‘DON’T’

  1. Do not check his phone except he tries to show you something on it. Never go through his closet or drawers. That’s a fuckgirl move
  1. Don’t leave skid marks in his toilet
  1. When you eat, wash your plate
  1. Don’t leave broken hair ends lying around at his place   15b. Don’t turn his place into a nuclear war zone with your makeup kit and/or beauty products

I hope you enjoyed my list of DON’T. Care to add more? Share your thoughts below.

xoxo…Fehintola

the story without a title: episode 4


He leaned in and kissed me.  

***

After getting stitches for my lip from the school clinic, 2 (not 1 as she had earlier promised) leather handbags from Sade and phone calls and text messages fuelled by guilt from her twin brother for hitting my lips with my door, I can now say that I’m okay.

We finally sat down and had that talk: the talk he came to my house to have that ended up been a burst lip and a rush to the school clinic. He invited me out for drinks. He said he felt guilty for what happened and would like to make it up to me but more importantly he wanted us to talk and get rid of the awkwardness between us.

He asked me if he should pick me up. I quickly answered no and told him too many bad memories of him in my flat. He smiled. I said it would be better we met at the bar, he should text me the address and description. He was cool with that.

***

He touched his lips to mine. Then I felt his tongue as he gently pulled at my lower lip. All kinds of alarm were going off in my head. ‘Get out of this car right now’ my conscience yelled at me. Instead I unfastened my seat belt and turned to face him, giving him better access. He must have noticed because he deepen the kiss and began to rub my thigh. I held the sides of his head and leaned in. He traced the scar on my lip with his tongue and asked me if it still hurt. I nodded no. He whispered an apology and kissed me.

I was beginning to feel delicious sensations in my body.

***

We went to one of the local bar parlours off campus. I wore a jeans and t-shirt that had ‘I woke up like this’ written on it and glammed it up with heels. I didn’t want to ‘dress up’ lest he gets ideas or I send out the wrong signal to him.

The bar wasn’t so busy, it had just few people nursing their drinks. The theme for the night was ‘Old school’ so the DJ was playing a lot of old school hits. We picked a secluded table outside, away from the speakers.

***

He moved from my lips to my neck, planting kisses all the way. My hands moved from his face to his shirt. He moved his to my waist and pulled at my t-shirt while returning his lips to mine. ‘Ha! This is Sade’s twin, Sade’s twin! Stop this right now!’ my conscience yelled at me again. Instead I helped him pull up my shirt. His hand found its way to my breast and caressed it. I moaned out loud and pulled him closer. He must have thought he was finally doing something right because he pulled out my breast and found my nipple with his tongue.

Pure pleasure shot through my veins; I felt like an addict shooting up.

***

We ordered our drinks and settled down to talk. He started by apologizing for entering my flat and bedroom uninvited. He didn’t try to justify what he did. He wanted us to forget what happened and move forward as friends. Up until now, Sade’s twin and I have never talked. I was always Sade’s friend. He wanted to change that and I was cool with it. Sade is a wonderful person, my sanity and source of encouragement in this program. Any family of Sade is my family. ‘Hmm’ he sipped his wine. ‘Not the response you were looking for?’ I asked. ‘It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting anything different from what I have heard’ he replied. ‘Killing me softly with his song’ by The Fugees came on and we started nodding our heads to the music. A song we both loved was the ice breaker we needed, we finally had a topic to talk about. Once we started it was easy to continue. We talk about our favourite musicians, movies, courses (yes we talked about school) and course facilitators, food and sports. I told him I swim every week and he told me he played squash every week. It happened we went to the same hotel for our sport activities. ‘What a cool coincidence’ I thought. We decided to go on the same day. ‘I would love to watch you swim’ he said. ‘You would love to see me in a bikini’ I responded laughingly.

We made eye contact. He winked, I smiled.

***

My t-shirt was all the way up and my bra was history. I can’t remember who removed it, whether I did or he did. All I remember is the feel of his tongue on my nipples, alternating from left to right. The feel of the cold air where his tongue had been. The way I moaned and held his head closer to my breasts. And the sense of loss when he raised his head and found my lips again. He placed his hand on button of my jeans and whispered in my ear ‘my place or yours?’ Definitely my place, I thought. I will not be walking the walk of shame at his flat tomorrow since he and Sade share a two bedroom flat. ‘Mine’ I barely recognised my own voice. It sounded like a croak. My conscience decided to make another appearance by yelling ‘Ashewo (prostitute). Ashewo jati jati. Ha! I wish your father can see you now’ at me. I completely ignored it, easy to do since it’s been ages I had sex.

***

The night progressed nicely. We kept the conversation and wine going. He shared some funny stories from his childhood. I laughed so much, more than I had in a long time. Sade’s twin began to look different: His smile was sexy, he smelt good, the way he lifted his glass to his lips was seductive, and the way he looked at me. I shook my head. ‘Pull yourself together woman, that’s the alcohol’ that inner don’t sleep with a guy on the first date voice said. He must have thought I was tired, ‘Should we leave now?’ he asked. ‘Yes please’ I got up and sat back down. ‘Take it easy. Let me help you up’ he offered. ‘I’m fine. I got up too quickly. You can help me with my purse though’ I stretched out my purse to him while we made our way to his car.

When we got to his car, the radio was playing Sara Bareilles’ ‘I choose you’. That was when he leaned in and kissed me.

***

He was about to start the car when he said out loud ‘Damn! I don’t have any condoms’. ‘Thank God for foresight, I have condoms at my place. I always buy them when I shop for my toiletries’ I explained while fastening my seat belt.

‘I hate to ask as I don’t want to kill the vibe but have you shaved your ‘bush’?’ he asked me. My face became hot. My immediate thought was for the chair to open up and swallow me. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. ‘No need to be shy now’ he said. I told him ‘Sade said you would tease me with it’ If I was a white girl, my face would be red. ‘I’m not teasing you, I hate hair in my mouth during oral sex’ he said. The idea of getting head made my tummy tingle. Two deals in one night, Sex and oral sex; I thanked the god of sex for its generosity.

‘I shaved it all off this morning’ I lied while mentally trying to locate my shaving stick and calculating how long it would take to get rid of 6 months worth of ‘bush’. Nothing was going to stop me from getting head tonight.

He turned the key in the ignition, the engine roared to life. ‘Your place it is then’