‘Sade, I will kill your brother o. I’m warning you now’. The man in my room is Sade’s brother.
‘What did he do this time?’
‘This morning, I walk out of my shower and there sits your brother on my bed’.
‘How did he get into your flat?’
‘Is that what is bothering you? He saw me stark naked. NAKED! I tell you. Everything was in the open for him to see and he was staring like a virgin’.
‘Tell me exactly what happened’
I narrate this morning’s occurrence to her in details and conclude with ‘And the mortifying part is I haven’t shaved my pubic hair in months’
‘He saw your bush?’ Sade laughs out loud. ‘That is not good. Oh my God! He is going to tease you like crazy’
I cover my face with my cell phone, thinking of the best way to kill Sade’s brother without leaving any evidence behind.
‘Are you there? Hello? Hello?’ comes her voice at the other end of the call
‘What happened after?’
‘After he saw you naked’
‘I just told you he was staring like a virgin. I ran back into the bathroom and waited’. Thank God I didn’t freeze on the spot or he would have examined me like livestock.
‘How did he get into your flat? Did he tell you what he wanted?’ Sade can ask some ‘not the point’ questions. The point is HE SAW ME NAKED. I don’t care how he got in or what he wanted. I tell her ‘See JAMB question. How am I supposed to know? I didn’t speak to him and he didn’t tell me the reason for his intrusion on my privacy. He was gone by the time I walked back into the room. Sweetie, I have to end this call. I’m almost out of credit. Just tell him to steer clear of me’.
‘Why were you in my friend’s room this morning?’ is the first thing that comes out of Sade’s mouth when she sees her brother.
Sade and her brother usually meet for breakfast at the cafeteria not far from the Admin building of the University. They are Postgraduate students in the same MBA class and Sade’s friend (the one with the bush, lol) is one of their classmate and group member.
‘Good morning to you my beautiful sister. I’m fine, thank you for asking’. He replies, raising his head from that morning’s copy of the Financial Times.
‘Answer the question jor. What did you want with her? Couldn’t you knock before you entered her flat?’
‘I knocked but she was listening to that stupid loud music. Sometimes I wonder if that thing won’t make her deaf or insane’.
‘So you got tired of waiting and you broke in’
‘Break in? Is that what she said?’ He looks puzzled at her. ‘The key was under her foot mat. I opened the door and walked in. No need standing outside like a jobless fellow’.
Sade shakes her head ‘I seriously don’t understand you and to think we shared a womb for 9 months. You have to stop harassing that girl. It’s not funny anymore. You walked into her bedroom uninvited and stared at her naked. That is too much’
‘I wasn’t staring at her. I was staring at her bush’. He replies, his shoulders shaking with mirth. ‘How can someone have that much hair down there? I was expecting a zebra and lion to leap out of the thick dark forest I saw. Your friend is pretty but she needs to get accustomed to a shaving stick or shaving cream. That much hair down there isn’t healthy. I doubt her ‘punani’ can breathe with that much hair’. He is laughing uncontrollably now
Sade’s jaw drops as she gapes at her twin. ‘OMG, this girl is doomed’ she thinks.
‘And stop staring at me like that. Like I have three heads or do you have a bush down there too? Anyway I went over to her flat to give her my part of the assignment since its submission is due this afternoon. I got distracted and forgot to drop it. Here, give it to her when you see her’. He drops it on the table.
‘I have to go now. I need to see Deji and Colin before our 10am class. Keep a seat for me’. He kisses her on the head before he walks away.
Sade is speechless. She thinks her brother is going mad.